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Showing posts from May, 2013

What I've Learned

You know the spiel. Infertility is hard. No one can adequately explain the difficulty to you until you experience it for yourself. This journey amplifies everything you are thinking and feeling. It makes so many things feel important. During this journey, I have discovered things about myself I knew and things I never knew. This blog is pretty much full disclosure, so I’ll share here. Fair warning: this post is LONG. Begin at your own peril.
Things I Wish I Didn’t Know
1. Patience is a virtue I possess little of.
This is not a news flash, but I wish I wasn’t always so stressed about things that are totally out of my control. I worry about everything and everyone tells me to relax. That does not help. I wish I had my husband’s come what may attitude and could completely relax and lose myself. However, until they develop personality transplants, it is highly unlikely I will become relaxed and “go-with-the-flow.” But, I can't. Trying to conceive is a big time waiting game, especially in…

Counting My Blessings

Yesterday I went to the gym like many other days. The skies looked ominous, so I decided to plug my headphones into the TV on the treadmill instead of getting my daily dose of Dave Matthews. I turned the TV to the Weather Channel and couldn’t turn away. Throughout my workout, I was transfixed by the horror I saw unfolding in Moore, OK. Newscasters were urging folks to seek shelter underground immediately. The crew in the news helicopter surveyed damage from the skies and zeroed in on two elementary schools that resembled toys destroyed by an angry child. They were mere matchsticks, twisted steel and rubble.
Tears began to stream down my face as I heard the heartbreak in these seasoned professional’s voices. They cover all of these weather disasters, but even they couldn’t handle the thought of the elementary school decimated. They knew a 2 mile wide tornado meant death and destruction for this town.
Maybe it’s because I am a teacher, or maybe it’s because I’m trying so hard to become a…

The Rocking Chair Out of Time

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As most of you know, Jeremy and I recently bought a house. It's the first house we've ever owned, after more than four states and eight years of marriage. We decided we liked it here, and loved the house, so we bought.

This new house has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. Modest, yes. But, big enough for Becky + Jeremy = Baby. We did that on purpose, since we don't want to go through the house buying process for many, many years.

In this home, there is a "guest" room. It's set up for guests with a queen size bed and other guest amenities. But, in my heart of hearts, it's our baby's room. You see, it is painted a hideous teal color I would never choose, even blindfolded. It was a four year old little girl's room before we moved in. So, one would think repainting that room would be high on my priority list.

 One would be wrong.

I decided I will repaint the room either when I am pregnant and planning the nursery, or when I have given up the dream of…

Happy I Might Never Be a Mother's Day

I am posting this blog in advance of the impending holiday because I don’t want to steal any of the thunder you mothers will receive on Mother’s Day. Mothers work tirelessly raising children and I have the utmost respect for the job they do. I yearn to be in your midst, and to “understand” all of those mysteries you say I will not understand until I am a mother. In fact, I thought about not writing about this at all because I have a feeling people might not like it and might misinterpret it as a slight to the women who are mothers. But, I am writing this because I know I am not alone. There are other women, who like me, feel alone and broken on Mother’s Day. Every year, it stands as a reminder of what I do not have and what I want most.
I had the best mom ever, hands down. Your mom might be great and all, and I respect your opinion, but my mom was the best. It wasn’t that she coddled me or did everything for me. Actually, it was quite the opposite. She wasn’t afraid to let me try. She …

Apples and oranges, cats and dogs...

Dr. S once told me to be very aware that Jeremy and I would likely process the stress and anxiety of infertility differently. He told me neither of us would be wrong, but it might cause some friction between us. This is absolutely the case.

For those of you who may not know my husband well, he is pretty much my opposite. I am high strung and bossy. He’s laid back and go with the flow. I like to have a plan, a back up plan and a back up for the back up plan. If I’m not 15 minutes early, I am late. Jeremy likes spontaneous trips and times everything to arrive “just in time.” Why would the ways in which we handle infertility be any different?

I know this struggle has been hard on Jeremy, both because he is dealing with difficult emotions and because he is tasked with helping me through my difficult emotions. Most of the time, he is great. But, there are some things he is never going to truly understand. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by this whole process. The failure every month just feels…