Showing posts from April, 2013

Good is good enough

I’ve spent several days “processing” my REI appointment and first meeting with Dr. M. I didn’t want to make hasty judgements before posting here, so I really gave myself time to consider what he said and did at the appointment.
First of all, the nurses and administrative staff at UNC were fantastic. They were kind, patient and reassuring (as I am sure I had a nervous look of terror on my face.) Dr. M met us a few minutes after we were scheduled for our appointment. From the onset, I knew he was no Dr. S. He was to the point, all business. There was no “getting to know you” conversation. Apparently, everything he needed to know about us came from my charts and questionnaire. (Yes, that is snarky).
He rehashed my answers to a few questions, and came up with a plan for the next few months. I asked about an alternative drug that Dr. S had mentioned a number of times. Dr. M says he doesn’t regularly use it. Much to my relief, when I asked about injectables, Dr. M said he isn’t a fan since t…

On the precipice of the big day

Tomorrow’s the big day. UNC Fertility just called to confirm. I will officially become a patient of a Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility Specialist. I have worried and fretted about this day since Dr. S (my OBGYN) mentioned the possibility at my first infertility consult in September. Just ask Jeremy. He’ll tell you the looming infertility specialist has made me (more of) a nutcase.

I am fortunate enough to live close enough to make a little drive to some amazing universities and private fertility practices. I have researched all of them, in great detail, and discussed the pros and cons of each with Dr. S. Ultimately, I went with his recommendation to see doctors Dr. S knew and trusted at UNC-Chapel Hill. (Lest you think I leave Jeremy out, I did consult with him. He gave me the requisite “Whatever you want, Beck.” Dr. S got a long phone call from me after that. See why I think he is great?) The doctor I am assigned to is actually a friend of Dr. S’s. Dr. S says I will like t…

Love, support and friendship

I posted my “infertility coming out” post over the weekend and in the days since, I have been overwhelmed by the amazing amount of support I have received in the form of likes, shares, comments and messages. I have felt so alone and afraid at many points in this journey, and the amount of love I feel now makes me know I truly have never and will never be alone.

I was frightened at what people might think of me for pursuing these types of treatments and for putting my story out there. I honestly believed people would think I was desperate for attention.

Nothing could be farther from the reaction I have received.

People who have never dealt with infertility said it offered them a new perspective and made them think about the things others may be facing.

Some loved ones offered support from experiences I never knew they, or someone else they loved, had.

Other members of the infertility community, both in my “real-life” as well as part of my “online life,” have said the post echoes how they …

Metaphorical meltdown

So, this shouldn’t be a major meltdown moment, but I feel on the edges of the brink. I’m looking over the edge into the chasm and I’m trying not to fall in. What caused all of this you might ask?

A onesie.

Yep, that’s right. A small baby outfit. It’s pretty gender neutral and not very expensive. It’s on a website and I’ve had my eye on it for a while. It’s got a cute little saying on it that I absolutely love. It’s the perfect little onesie for the baby born out of the struggle with infertility. I feel like I have to have it. I want to own it for my future child.

But, that’s the problem. Owning the onesie supposes a future child is a sure thing. Once upon a time, when I thought babies were easy to make, I would have scoffed at myself and bought the thing for my future son or daughter. But, after years of heartache and months of my future scheduled full of doctor’s visits and medications, I’m afraid to hope.

Is it bad juju to have the onesie in the house, knowing full well I am not pre…

Breaking the Silence

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to post about my struggle with infertility. Be warned: this is a long post, and riddled with my thoughts and feelings on an incredibly emotional subject for me. 

I try not to get too “political” when it comes to Facebook and I try to stay off of my soapbox. I have lectured students in my classroom on appropriate social media behaviors and sharing too much of oneself in the social media venue. So, I have deeply considered what I want to share with everyone regarding a topic that has become incredibly important and personal to me.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. Someone who tries to do the right thing. I’ve tried to live my life in a good and productive way, going to college, getting married, finding a great career and making a home for the two of us. When it came time to think about starting a family, I imagined things would work out because of my work ethic, my determination, my willingness to be a mother and my husband’s deep…

Debating with Myself

A week or two ago, I began composing my "infertility coming out" post. I have written, re-written, revised and edited (if you were ever my English student, you will know all of these are distinct processes) the post ad nauseum. When I finally had an "acceptable" draft, I shared it with my husband and my sister. They both agreed it was fine. So, why am I back and forth on whether or not to share this?

If I had a "real" disease (society's definition, not mine) then I wouldn't hesitate to advocate for a cause close to my heart. I still advocate for cancer research and treatment, specifically so no one else will have to lose their mother to cancer. Why, then, is this such a hard decision.

I was a college debater and was decent at it in my heyday. So, it's tough for me when I debate myself. I want people to be aware of the difficulty and heartbreak of infertility, but I don't want people to think I am self-aggrandizing. It's a double edged sw…

Turning points and know when it's time

Last week was a turning point in my infertility struggle for a couple of reasons. First, I am moving on from my OBGYN, whom I love, to an REI (a Reproductive Endocrinologist and Infertility Specialist, for those of you not “in the know” about all things infertility). I was scared to death of this moment throughout my first months of infertility workups, but now that it is here, I am strangely at peace with it. Dr. S and I talked at length about what was best, after Jeremy and I had already decided we needed some more answers, since new questions seem to arise all the time. So, I am finishing one final “why not” Clomid cycle with my current doctor before moving on to UNC-Chapel Hill’s Fertility Center at the end of April. This is actually Dr. S’s recommendation, since he says we are “beyond his expertise” and I “deserve the knowledge of a specialist.” He says he’s confident I’ll be back when UNC helps me get pregnant. I don’t know that I share his blind optimism, but it’s a nice sentim…

Welcome to my world!

Welcome! I've decided to share an important part of my life as my husband and I pursue fertility treatments in hopes of having a child. I can't promise this space will always be filled with sunshine and hope, but I can promise what I say here will be true. Thank you for caring enough about me and my husband to read about our experience along the way.