Silly Infertile, Christmas is for kids

I've been away from this blog for quite a while. I've had a rough couple of months where nothing worked out with anything related to fertility treatments. Hopefully, the setbacks have helped us create a better plan going forward, but in the moment, it is hard to feel hopeful.

Today, I was out doing a little Christmas shopping for my nieces. Jeremy and I genuinely love buying for them and sometimes we go a little overboard in our Aunt and Uncle way. However, today a got a little bit of unwanted advice that stole a bit of my holiday joy.

I bought a toy at Walgreens. Seems innocuous enough, right? The cashier tried to bring out a little holiday spirit by asking about my children, since I was obviously buying a toy. I give folks the benefit of the doubt since there is no way to know I am an infertile. I explained I was buying the toy for my creative niece (as well as a tube of red lipstick for the girly girl niece) and tried to turn the conversation to them. But, she just wouldn't let it go. She started lecturing me on how I should have children of my own and how no one really knows joy at Christmas until you have children. I sighed and said, "hopefully someday" to her statement. But, she just wouldn't stop. She kept going on about how she wasn't sure how people who didn't have children even felt like celebrating at the holidays. Finally, with my patience and holiday cheer zapped, I told her that not all of us are lucky enough to have children when we want to. Sometimes we invest money, time and hope to be left empty handed, dreaming of a child. She finished my transaction silently and I wished her a Merry Christmas, but I knew she had darkened my day.

You see, I don't disagree with her. In fact, that's been a major problem lately. I don't feel much enthusiasm for Christmas because I don't have children's eyes to see it through. I've spent years thinking of and talking about the traditions Jeremy and I will uphold with our children. We've spent years waiting and wishing for a child to renew our Christmas spirit. But, it's not been in the cards for us. All the hope and desire in the world hasn't gotten us our goal.  It's just one gift we've never been able to give one another.

Instead of discussing the traditions we'll share with our future children, this year we've been talking about my process of starting to accept that there might never be anyone who calls me Mommy. We might forever be a family of two and I have to get to a place of acceptance with that notion. The two of us have to be enough for me for a lifetime. We have to be enough for us.

I've been focusing on all of the good things I have in my life, because I know they are many. But, so many people make the cashier's mistake of assuming she needs to convince me to have children to spread Christmas joy.  It's as if society is reinforcing what I feel in my soul. It's not right to be happy at Christmas unless you have a family.

So, perhaps when you are talking to folks this holiday season, think about what you are saying. There are many people like me out there, wishing for a child to share Christmas joy. But, there are others who have chosen not to have children for their own personal reasons. This doesn't mean those of us who are childless deserve Christmas any less. It doesn't mean we can't enjoy the wonder of the season and love the family we are. Children are a beautiful part of the holiday season. But, they aren't the only part of the season. In fact, Santa and the like aren't even the reason for the season.

Don't steal the joy of the childless people in your life by making them feel like their Christmas is less special than that of others. Some of them may already feel that way. Instead, share the joy of the season and leave reproduction out of the Christmas cheer. Even people with a defective uterus deserve Christmas.


Comments

  1. Great post, Becky! This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Christmas definitely gets harder with each passing year of infertility. I hope you and Jeremy have a good Christmas and an even better year in 2014!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stephanie (Babyinme143)December 31, 2013 at 7:54 PM

    I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be caught in. I cannot even imagine.

    Major hugs to you and all of my AT:TNL friends. I may not be ttc anymore (and it's mentally/emotionally) hard to even go back to that board, but you are not forgotten. I think of you all often.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Stephanie (Babyinme143)December 31, 2013 at 7:56 PM

    Dang- parenthesis landed in the wrong place. Oh well. lol

    ReplyDelete

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