A NOT Pregnant Pause

     Well... the day is here. We waited the requisite two-ish weeks to find out if the IUI was successful and once again, we are left with nothing but negatives. So, no sibling for Evan, at least at the present. It is what it is and I have accepted it with sadness, resignation, and a glass of wine.

     So, what's next for Team One Tough Egg you might ask?  Good question.

     You see, delving back into fertility treatments has been hard.

     No, that's not true.

     It has been soul-crushingly, paralyzing difficult at times.

     Don't roll your eyes. That's not hyperbole. Every failure shakes my confidence and takes a bit of hope from an already low reserve. If you've never walked this path, then you might think this sounds absurd. But, if you have unfortunately been where I am, then you know exactly what I am feeling.

     But, you've been there and done that, you might say.

     But, see, I thought having Evan would make the disappointment of failure easier.

     I was wrong.

     The problem is, I have an awesome kid. He's rambunctious and boisterous and into everything all of the time. He won't eat vegetables unless they are in a pouch and he dances mainly by stomping his right foot. He counts 1-2-2-2-2-6 and believes he is correct. He eats pudding and yogurt with every part of his body and laughs from the deepest parts of his belly and his soul. He seems to do something new every single day.

     He's remarkable.

     But, it makes me want another. I didn't realize just how much until we started down this path. Now that I do, there's no way to undo the want in my heart. It just sits there, most days quietly, an empty place that would grow infinitely with love for another child.

     But for now, I'm locking that piece away. We did 3 medicated IUI cycles since April. I counted it up and that means I have:

Given myself 39 shots
Taken at least 20 pregnancy tests
Had blood drawn 17 times
Had 14 ultrasounds
Driven to Greensboro 9 times
Driven to Winston-Salem 8 times
Bought and used 6 vials of Follistim
"Discussed" the shortcomings of CVS Speciality Pharmacy customer service with 5 associates
Spent 3 hours on the phone with CVS and UPS trying to find missing medication
Bought 3 and administered HCG triggers
Met with 3 different doctors
Driven to UPS once to get medication that was not delivered

... and I'm tired.

     So, for now, we are on pause. Our plan is to pause for the school year, to give me time and space to enjoy my life and get back to myself. To take care of my son and husband, and to take care of myself.

     Normally, in the past, when I considered a break from fertility treatments, it made me anxious. I felt like I needed to be in perpetual motion, always working toward my goal.

     But, having Evan does make this part different. I am pausing the chaos of infertility to live in the moment as much as possible. To give as much of myself as I can to my family and to my students. I am taking back my time and my body and telling infertility to put a sock in it, at least for a while.

     I don't feel like I am finished with treatments. Not for good. I don't feel like our family is complete, so I feel like we might pick this endeavor up down the road.

     I know my age and I know time isn't on my side.   But, is time really ever on anyone's side?

    So, I hit the pause button on treatments so I can move ahead with everything else. My beautiful, ridiculous son is growing so quickly and I refuse to let infertility rob me of moments of joy with him. I have 100+ new seventh graders I will meet next week and I am ready to jump into learning and reading and writing with these children.

Maybe I'll blog about life during this pause... or maybe this will go on pause now, too. But, one thing's for sure. The rest of my life is going full speed ahead.


Popular posts from this blog

You're NOT Your Mother

Rocking My Baby

Accountable to Whom?