Even She-Ra takes a day off once in a while
There isn't much a pair of gold boots (or flats) can't solve, right? She-Ra routinely beat the bad guys all while rocking the crown and boots, so a little infertility should be nothing. Yes, my ovaries were super-heroine worthy, yes all the other metrics looked "great" to "fantastic." Yes, optimism and hope abounded. Then, my flying unicorn crashed firmly to earth. One more time, I am not pregnant.
Here's where the superhero analogy ends. I wasn't a superhero this month. Not even close. I took the "not pregnant" extremely hard. Dr. S warned me when I got some great test results back to temper my optimism because the high levels were not necessarily correlated with pregnancy. In the same conversation, he also said he knew I would hold on to those results and get hopeful. He was right on all accounts. I think the ideal circumstances made me feel like this should be our month. I think I put a lot of karmic hope in my mother's drug. I think I wanted something to work before I hit a year of medicated cycles. I know I wanted to be pregnant before my next birthday. All of those hopes and expectations led to some very real heartache.
This whole medically-assisted aspect of our infertility journey started about a year ago. In August of 2012, I met Dr. S who diagnosed my underlying condition. As part of my diagnosis and treatment, I had my first and only surgery ever last October. So, all things considered, things are better as I am not staring down surgery. But, before that surgery, I was brimming with hope. Everyone (me, Jeremy, Dr. S) thought I would be pregnant by now. Even Dr. M thought I would be pregnant within a month or two of coming to UNC Fertility. Why couldn't I prove all of them right? Why, now, do I have to be difficult? (If my mother were alive, she would use this opportunity to say when am I not difficult.... in fact, if you ask my dad he just might say the same thing.)
I'm not going to wallow in grief and anger. I'm going to take my mother's timeless advice and "suck it up." If she could deal with multiple surgeries, chemo and radiation, I can deal with this. But, I'm also not going to minimize the pain of failure after failure in infertility. Some may think I am dramatic, but sometimes, the pain is too big to think about. All of the "what might have been" scenarios are too much for an ordinary person, or couple, to bear. So, I can't deal with the pain of years of failure. All I can do is look toward tomorrow with the hope that my future child is just around the next bend in the road. Or, if not that bend, then maybe at least somewhere on the path I am taking.
We're halfway taking the month of October "off." We're not doing IUI this month because we have other plans. I have spent much of this year planning my life around infertility treatments. I haven't visited my family in West Virginia since Christmas and I miss them so much. I didn't take a vacation this year so I could save my days off for doctor's appointments. This month, I decided to do things a little differently. I have filled the month of October to the brim with things to keep me occupied. We went to see Blues Traveler last night and had a great night out, just the two of us. We're heading out of town to see friends we haven't seen in too many years. We're going to go see some lions and tigers for a Halloween event. My husband is going to take his hockey convert wife to see her third live hockey game and cheer for the Penguins. I'm still taking my mother's drug, but I'm not making any trips to Raleigh this month. Dr. S is going to do the testing I need locally and the rest is out of our hands.
So, She-Ra's still here, just waiting to get her justice against the tyrannical infertility, but my alter ego has to have her turn. Even She-Ra is allowed to take a day off. Sometimes, even She-Ra has to fail to know what's most important. She needs to reflect on the significant things in her life and regroup in pursuit of those things she values most. So, I'll brush off the gold shoes and get ready for another day and another month. Maybe, I need to look for my crown, just in case. Maybe that was the missing piece. Tomorrow's another day, and another opportunity to get back on the horse-- or in this case, the unicorn.