Thirteen, Halloween and Other Ominous Signs

Last month, Jeremy and I took some time off from ultrasounds and IUIs. Dr. S did do some blood work to confirm my ovulation and my levels were good. Actually, they were great. However, once again, we are not pregnant.

This month, we are staring down medicated cycle #13. We have been doing medicated cycles for more than one year. I never imagined I would still be here, in this infertility purgatory, holding pattern when we started this process. But, here we are.

Cycle number thirteen sounds ominous, right? We had confirmation of the failed cycle twelve on Halloween, a spooky day in its own right (and, coincidentally, my favorite holiday, since I'm an October baby myself.) But, the eerie connections go further. I am scheduled for an ultrasound on Day 13, November 13. Thank goodness the office only schedules ultrasounds in the morning, or I know it would have been at 1:00 (or 13:00 military time). I just can't escape the bad luck number running through this month.

All this talk of luck makes me think about my grandmother. My Grammy Mildred was a very level headed woman who was one of the best people I have ever known. However, she instilled in me a superstitious streak a mile wide. She taught me never to break a mirror or open an umbrella in the house. But, she also taught me to throw salt over my shoulder when I spilled it and never to count the cars in a funeral procession. She firmly believed in these things, so of course I believed them, too. These superstitions had power in our lives, maybe because they were true and should be respected, or maybe just because we gave them the power through our belief.

I often wonder what she would make of my infertility situation. She was the epitome of a mother figure, mothering those children who were her family and those her family took in. She knew the love of a mother and grandmother for so many people. I think she would understand the ache in my chest I have when I think about my less than complete family. But, she's been gone for several years now and never knew about our struggles.

I would also like to know her reaction to my cycle number 13. Would she feel like I should do what hotels do and just not have a cycle 13? Would she tell me there is a special superstition I should respect since it is cycle thirteen? Or, would she tell me it's just another month and another number, nothing to really think about.

When I told my sister about all of these "13's" she said that, perhaps, there could be some twisted reverse psychology type of luck associated with this month. Perhaps I should start spilling salt and opening umbrellas in my house. Jen already told me that breaking mirrors would be bad, most likely because I would end up cutting myself. And, there is no way I am counting cars in a funeral procession. Ever. I really wish I could believe that my luck might change this month, but 12 failed cycles seems to tell me not to get too optimistic about any of this.

But, maybe there is something to this. There have been other harbingers of good luck that have been reversed in our lives... perhaps thirteen will work that way well. About two years ago, my husband discovered he had a flat tire. He took his car into the shop and had the mechanic replace the tire. The reason for the flat? A nail? A screw? A busted glass bottle?  Nope... it was a rabbit's foot that pierced the tire and inner tube. The irony wasn't lost on us. It definitely wasn't a lucky rabbit's foot for the rabbit, or for Jeremy.

So, as we get back on the horse for number 13, we'll take any prayers, thoughts, luck or magic you might wish to throw our way. Maybe thirteen will be our lucky number...

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