The Small Moments

During the days when I was struggling to conceive, the words flowed easily because I knew others were feeling as I was and that all too often, their voices were silent. I shared my story because I knew it was like that of others and I didn't want anyone to feel alone.

Today, I enter my 25th week of pregnancy. I am on the downhill side of the second trimester and the reality that a little boy will be coming home with me in the not-too-distant future is becoming less difficult to grasp. I realize I have written remarkably little about my pregnancy. It's not because I haven't been amazed and delighted by the things that have happened, but it is because I don't want to become the cliche.

In my last post, I acknowledged that I was having some issues with protein in my urine. To date, I have not been diagnosed with any pregnancy complications. My doctor is still incredibly vigilant, which makes it easier for me to sleep at night. I am grateful for his diligence, as always. I'm not sure how Jeremy or I would have made it through this pregnancy without Dr. S's reassurances.

So, what do I say about being pregnant after the struggle to get here?  I want to tell you how this pregnancy has been wonderful and amazing and difficult and life changing. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. When I feel my son's tiny kicks and jabs, there are times I am moved to tears. More than one evening has been spent reverently absorbed in the tiny movements and changes I feel from my baby boy.  There is a part of me, and of my husband, that sincerely believed we'd never be parents. Part of us had given up along the way. But, when this little one kicks, punches or rolls, my heart fills with a joy I was sure I would never know. It's a beautiful thing which overwhelms me with emotion. Anyone who knows me knows there are few times I am speechless. When I feel my child within me move, it is one of those moments. Even now, it can still take my breath away.

I guess what I am saying is I am grateful for this new life. Would I have been this grateful without infertility's curse? Honestly, I can't answer that question because my path to parenthood is the only one I will ever know. I genuinely believe that infertility changed me in huge, fundamental ways. Would I have stopped to acknowledge all of these small moments that have come into our life if conception had been easy? Probably not, knowing me.  There is always so much to do and so many details to attend to. Before infertility, I didn't know what I was missing. Infertility gave me a full understanding of what I desired.

Infertility has made what for many couples is ordinary, into something completely extraordinary for me and for my husband. I still don't think infertility was a gift, but like so many negative experiences in life, I believe it was a lesson. I think it's a lesson I will carry with me into raising my son and really, into all I do in this life. I can't ever go back to that woman who doesn't know the pain of wanting, but I hope with all my heart I can move forward as a woman who is grateful for what I somehow managed to have.

Comments

  1. This is so beautiful. I love your introspection, your acknowledgement of where you were and where you are now and how your parenting experience is probably forever changed thanks to the hell you went through. I wish you a smooth downhill ride through your trimesters, and more joyous moments to come.

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  2. It is nice that although you would not have chosen infertility, you can see the positive ways it has changed you. At least there is sweetness in the aftermath of the pain.

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