Father to Son

Today is my due date. For many women, today is the day when all the anxiety really kicks in because you know you will meet your child soon. For me, today we are celebrating two weeks with my baby boy. I haven't written about it, though I promise the story of his arrival from my point of view will come soon. However, as I was cleaning out all of the solicitations in my email box, I found an email from the night my son was born, from my husband to me.

Jeremy has never mentioned this email, not once in the two weeks since Evan's birth. In my post-birth haze, I never realized it was there. However, after finding it today, I have to share it with all of you. These are the heartfelt words of my husband on the day he first met his son. As you can imagine, I was a tearful mess after reading this.

It’s hard to describe exactly what I’m feeling.  If you know me, you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m outwardly just generally happy at becoming a father and love the fact that Evan constantly shows me he knows I’m the daddy, looking for me and calming down anytime he sees me….partially because I can solve the problem, partially because of my personality… I hope.     I’m focused on him and my recovering wife completely, without really giving myself time to process…

Also, as a side note, I have a whole new appreciation for women after witnessing everything I have seen over the 48 hours prior to Evan’s birth.  Anyone who says women are the “weaker” sex should have electrodes stuck to their genitals for 2 days and see if they can function.

Inwardly, I’m a mix of emotions.  I’m typing this while watching Beck…er… Mom help Evan to some…dinner I guess.  I see everything we have worked for all these years, tears, jeers, and fears.  To think I almost gave up this right before he was created is probably one of the darkest things to realize about my life.  Our infertility story ended where our parenting story begins.   I know 1 in 8 couples have fertility issues and that some will never have the happy ending we have had… but you honestly owe it to both you and your partner to try everything possible before you walk away.

The only thing I can think of doing with how I feel is to write a letter for my son in the future.  I want to share this with everyone, though, because I hope this is motivation for some and a way of expressing gratitude to the insane number of people who physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially helped up reach this point.   Without you, not only would we likely not have Evan, but we would not be able to enjoy our first full day as Mom and Dad.

To my son, Evan:

I’m sitting here looking at you and your Mom having dinner, and I am just amazed.   One day old and you already rival your grandfather in trips to the bathroom.  Seriously, I am just amazed at your every expression, noise, and movement you make.  I sit here thinking of all the ways I can try to give your life the best possible start I can so that you can take it wherever you want to go.  I promise that I will do whatever it takes so that you can have the opportunity to reach your dreams.

What I want you to always realize is that no matter how rough or how dark something seems, it will always get better.  I cannot promise you that it will always be solved in the way you want, just that you will come to understand what the scenario has shown you about friendship, love, and yourself.  These trying times are what brings you so much closer to your friends and family that truly care for you.

Your mom and I had a very difficult time trying to bring you into our lives.  We almost gave up countless times.  If it wasn’t for all those people who believed and support us, all the doctors who kept trying one more different thing to find something that works, and the strength and determination of your mother (who is one of the toughest people in the world), we would not know the your love, which is the greatest gift I have ever received.

I hope you never regret, because regrets are only for those that don’t understand that our road, no matter how bumpy and curvy it is, led us to wherever you are today.  I hope you understand that as long as you’re working towards something, you have cannot fail at accomplishing it.  The only way to fail is to give up.   I am so thankful for your mother because she wouldn’t let us fail in bringing you to this world.  She regretted nothing and never gave up.  I hope you grow as a person to understand how wonderful your mom is and hope you grow into some of these qualities.

I cannot script, wish, pray, hope, or dream of a better first day of your life Evan.   Your mom and I will be with you every step that we can possibly take with you.   I hope you can understand someday how I feel about you, and that you get to have the feelings I do right now at some point in your life.  

Here’s to a bright world with infinite possibilities for you future,

Sincerely…

Something I never thought I was going to be able to call myself…

Dad