Don't Call It A Comeback

As the great poet L.L. Cool J once said-- "Don't call it a comeback. I've been here before."

Perhaps you thought I fell off the face of the earth entirely.

Not true. I'm still here. Teaching seventh graders. Grading papers. Snuggling on my boy. Doing the Hot Dog dance. You know, the usual.

But, over the last year, I learned being a working mama is H-A-R-D! I wouldn't trade either of my jobs, but doing them both at a level approaching passable is a tough gig. So, the blog went to the wayside in lieu of things like designing lessons and doing laundry.

But, I have always regarded this blog as my original catharsis, where I put my feelings into print when I'm most nervous. So, I guess it's time to come back home, so to speak.

J and I just had our "consultation" with Dr. D once again. 

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Negotiations for baby #2 have commenced.

Let me stop you right there and wave off all those folks who said having a baby could get me "jump started" having babies "naturally.  Yes, even you Dr. S. We all see THAT didn't happen.

Apparently, that's just not how it works for this chick. So, science, for the win!

It's been a strange and surreal process this time. First of all, Dr. D closed his private practice and went into a larger university practice. If you've read my blog before, you know I had a less than desirable experience at a different university practice, so even though Dr. D is fabulous, this gave me pause.

Secondly, knowing what worked last time feels weird and like it might lead to all kinds of false hope. The thing about infertility is there are no guarantees. Just because a drug and a procedure worked once doesn't mean it will going forward. 

Finally, I have a strange kind of guilt for even desiring another child. When Jeremy and I talked about our family, we always wanted two children. As infertility became our reality, we realized our visions of the future held very little power over what the actual future may hold. As the months turned into years, I negotiated with God and the universe asking to just have a child.  I got one, and a great one at that. So, there is a part of me which feels incredibly greedy for trying for something we've always wanted. Part of me feels like I should just be grateful for what I already have and "quit while I'm ahead."

I know that's not rational, but I've danced the infertility samba long enough to know that rational or not, all kinds of thoughts, doubts and crazy one-offs creep into your mind. 

So, instead of keeping it all inside, or eating an entire quart of ice cream, I have turned back to writing. It sure doesn't taste as good as Ben and Jerry's, but it's probably a whole lot healthier. 

Here we are, folks. I've sauntered around whether or not I should share anything about trying to have a child once again, but transparency was a value for me when I started this blog. I think it would be dishonest to close off this chapter of our story.

For better or for worse, we are back at it again. Blogging, trying to have a baby and attempting to keep it together in the meantime.