I dwell in possibility

I have a confession: I have a crush.

Yes, I'm a married woman, but my husband doesn't mind. You see, I've loved this person longer than I've known my husband. She (yes, she!) has been with me through thick and thin, offering observations and insights on life that are beyond my comprehension. She never fails me and always makes me think. In fact, my mother introduced me to her. She's an inspiration in my career. Who is she?

She is Emily Dickinson.

Yes, my crush is a literary crush. It's not romantic love, but a love for her observations of a life she barely lived. It's the depth of the emotion she conveys in a few simple lines. It's the simplicity and beauty of her words. I've been in love for a long time.

You might wonder why Emily Dickinson is appearing my in blog when I typically talk about infertility. Today, Emily Dickinson met my world of infertility.

It's not a secret that Jeremy and I have been pursuing IUI over the last few months. I took the max dose of Clomid this month and hoped for a multiple follicle response. Unfortunately, I did not have multiple follicles when the docs checked earlier this month. However, I had one "beautiful" follicle and everything else was just as it should be. So, the doctors left it up to us as to whether or not we wanted to try IUI. Jeremy and I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and ultimately, we decided to go for it. We knew we would regret not trying more than we would regret spending the money to try.

So, earlier this week, as I was thinking about whether or not the IUI was what we should do now, I was reading as part of my job. I happened across a poem by Emily Dickinson. It was one I really enjoyed as a kid, but it took on a whole new meaning as I looked toward the choices before me.

I Dwell in PossibilityBy Emily Dickinson I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--  Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--  Of Visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

I'm sure no one wants a literature lesson, but the bottom line is the poem is an extended metaphor for the opportunities presented by the poetic form. However, today, in this moment, I choose to dwell in possibility and this poem has become symbolic of the next two weeks of my life.

Today was a nerve wracking day, but the staff at UNC Fertility made it as painless as possible. I've been trying to get pregnant for too long to put too much faith in symbols, but I it felt like the universe was speaking to me when my nurse's name was Emily. She was completely fantastic and made me feel at ease at a time when that's not exactly easy. She was optimistic and full of hope--of possibility.

When we were making our decision, both of my doctors, as well as the doctor on duty when I had my ultrasound, were all fantastic. I was frustrated that they wouldn't give me a clear answer, but they answered every question we had and gave us every option possible. Over the last couple of months, through these rough patches, Dr. M has definitely grown on me. Dr. S, as always, was great.

Over the next two weeks, I am certain I will ride a tide of emotions.  I'm also sure Jeremy will be along for the ride. I haven't had much hope over the last few cycles, so I think I am going to try on "possibility" for size. I'm going to embrace the roof of skies and the vastness of what could be. I'm going to spread my hands in anticipation of something great.

Before I left UNC today, Emily told me to call her when I know whether or not I am pregnant in 2 weeks (actually, she told me I am to call her and tell her "Emily, you got me pregnant"... see the optimism? ). She definitely knows how to embrace possibility. So, for the next two weeks, I am going to try to remember the advice of the two Emilys in my life and embrace my life "dwelling in the possibility."


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