Giving Voice to My Truth, My Pain, My Journey

Resolve is gearing up for #GivingTuesday on December 2nd. As a lead-up, infertility bloggers like me are "giving voice" to our infertility stories and sharing the reality of dealing with the struggles associated with infertility. We're counting down the weeks until the big event on December 2nd! Stay tuned for more posts in the #Giving Tuesday series!

Last week, I talked about "outing" myself as an infertile, despite the fear, pain and shame of infertility. If I had it to do again, I would only change one thing: I would have done it sooner.

One of the hardest parts of the infertility journey has been setting aside my people pleaser personality to live my life in a way that is true to who I am and what I am experiencing. For most of my life, and still in many respects, I like to please those around me. I want to make people happy and want to accommodate people when I can. Giving to others, helping others, and making others feel good makes me feel good. Living with the secrecy of infertility was another attempt to make others more comfortable. But, the cost of that comfort was too high when it meant stifling my journey and my truth.

This blog, and revealing the truth about my fertility struggles, was the beginning of the expression of my infertility journey and my acceptance that my journey deserves to be chronicled and experienced for whatever it is. I don't believe I am remarkable in the path I am pursuing, but I am on a path that only I will ever truly experience. I realized that being alone was the worst thing I could be, and while others would not fully understand my struggle, perhaps my blog would enable them to empathize with me, or with others in their lives battling infertility. I began to see that it was my responsibility to share my truth, no matter what, to better serve others, and to become the best version of myself.

So, I cast off the shackles of making people comfortable and began to write about my obstinate ovaries and uncooperative uterus with all the gusto I could muster. During this ride, I have found frustration, elation, amusement, peace and every emotion in between. I have struggled very publicly with the lows, discussing the clinical depression and anxiety that have come from my fight for motherhood. I have shared the pain of ignorant advice and misguided attempts to redirect me from my path. I have educated those who think infertility looks or acts only one way, believing that everyone gets a storybook ending or a reality TV show.  I have tried to advocate for those who aren't ready to share their infertility story. I have also shared the moments of joy, outside of trying to conceive a child, as well as the moments of sheer hope that come from new attempts, perspectives or medications. I have attempted to clear the path, if just a bit, for those who might follow me.

All in all, I've tried to stay true to who I am, what I am doing and what I want in the next chapter of my life. I have always aimed to educate those who lack understanding and to make someone's heart a bit lighter if they are sharing a struggle similar to mine. I want people to know the truth about infertility. I want people to see I am one of them and I deserve a family despite my medical diagnosis. I want people to realize that they know and love those of us struggling with family building. I want people to realize infertiles are humans, too.

I've realized that writing this blog, or fighting the fight against infertility, isn't about changing the entire world. Rather, it is simply about changing MY world. My struggle with infertility isn't about the Octamom. It's not about the women who get pregnant without interventions. It isn't about your best friend's hairdresser's second cousin, twice removed, who got pregnant after adoption. My blog, and my voice, is only good for a singular purpose: sharing my TRUTH, my PAIN and my JOURNEY, for better or for worse.

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